Entry #2 — My Human Is Difficult to Train

Sorry it’s been so long! I was finally able to negotiate with my cheapskate human for rights to use my image and compensate me for my time. As if I have all this time on my hands to write a blog. Blog? Sounds like something I would wharf up. Any-hoo, my name is Tom. I’m sure you have ALL heard of me. Nothing in my life seems sacred to this moron. Trust me, if I thought I could get away with it, the stories I could tell. Honestly, I’m not even sure how I even keep my sanity. But I digress (get used to it)

As you can see, I’m a tuxedo cat, (and if I needed to actually point that out, stop reading now. You’re not worthy of my wisdom) which means I’m classy, athletic, and legally allowed to judge everyone and be an all-around know it all without making an effort to earn that distinction. Hmmm, sounds like someone else I know. (peering towards human as I type…not surprising, he’s oblivious to it)

Speaking of my human, I honestly do not know how this idiot survives. Some level of brain activity must be just powerful enough to propel the vital functions of life. Why, you ask, do I say this? You must understand I live with a “supposedly” grown man who, despite years of intensive training, still struggles with basic tasks like (honestly, I don’t know how this idiot survives. Some level of brain activity must be just powerful enough to propel functions):

opening doors fast enough

understanding my screams

recognizing when I want attention

recognizing when I absolutely do NOT want attention

The difference between those last two could change on a dime. But hey, I’m only a cat! I can’t talk and I have to lick myself in places most would find disturbing just to keep myself clean. I will say, I still have my claws and those come in quite handy when needed. The key is strategic, unexpected attacks to keep my human on his toes. Trust me, it works.

However, lately, he’s really been getting on my nerves. He used to leave for most of the day giving me time to re-energize and come up with new and inventive ways to torture him. Now he’s here….all….the….time. Something about leaving his last job due to, god forbid, stress. Let me tell you about stress. Stress is when you know you’re about to barf but a huge fur/food ball, but you’re not sure you can reach the furthest recesses of your domicile to make the deposit for the sheer purpose of making it extremely difficult for your human to find it, only to discover it months later when searching for some random item. Now THAT is stress!! I’ll even go so far as to say full on panic!! I’ll give it to him, he’s making an effort and should be out of the house soon. I so overhear him saying he has a solid lead or two so it gives me hope. Speaking of a solid, need to use the cat box…be right back…Hey! I said I was classy…not refined!

I’m back! Well, that’s if for now. At least, that’s all I want to do. I need to figure out how to create a Venmo account so human can’t wiggle out of paying. I figure the more options I present, the less chance he has of stiffing me.

Blog with you later!! And as I always say….blllrrrrrp! (you figure out the translation)